oops... opened this page like 2 hours ago but never started doing anything. havent blogged in a long while... not just a reportage of events, but a real entry, an entry that reflects not only whats on my mind but whats in my heart as well.. an entry that would definitely be some form of catharsis. doe sthis mean that i have nothing to catharsise about? that i've finally reached a stage where emotions have faded away into nothingness, shoved aside and cast out like useless distractions that only prevent one from achieving the goals in life? i sincerely hope not, but i definitely fear a certain about of desensitizing has occured.

i dont know... but have u ever felt like, something that used to bother you or used to irritate you seems to no longer mean anything to you? like how u slowly start to block things out or ignore things instead of soaking them up and getting irritated. or like how u realise you seme to get over things faster and faster, and that you generally forget everything instantly, no need to even forgive anymore for the sheer loss of memory negates that. say what? my heart has gone cold, or so i fear.

have u ever felt that there's so much that goes on sometimes that you just lose yourself in everything that happens, and you get caught by the flow, things just pass by and you dont stop to smell the flowers, you dont remember the flowers, then you dont even see the flowers. then you know that something is definitely missing from your life. its kinda like when your'e searching from something, but you dont know what, and the more frantic you get you start to miss out on more and more. its like trying to find that missing page of your notes thats somewhere in the mess of your room, and the harder u search the harder it gets, and the messier everything becomes. i think thats just like life. until you've found the missing piece of the puzzle, everything remains a haze.

clarity is just temporary, its like the drop of water that everything seems clear through, but once it drips away then everything becomes a blur again. like the temporary clarity that occurs when u tear, but once the tears are gone everythings blur again.

sometimes i dont know why i blog. it seems like i blog now just for the sake of blogging, and that my posts dont really have any random meaning or whatsoever. but i think that everything has meaning, and perhaps its just a clear display of the fact that... i'm lost. so very lost.






blogging takes energy... and im just too tired =p

but arts games was fun... even though did get abit heated up at times... cant stand to be roughed up lah *halo*

anyhow i think there was some bonding done today... hopefully =p quite a few juniors came! hooray! and almost our whole class was there... =)
was just thinking about rugby finals... and today hockey finals... but i wont say anything lah. when ppl try to say other stuff after the captain of the rugby team has given a good speech, and they sound so fake and contrived and clearly lack the passion that we have... it just makes everything worse.

just thought a phrase was very fitting though... shi bai shi cheng gong zhi mu.




everything seems to lead to sleep. its the number one solution to ALL your problems. you can lose yourself in the music, the moment, you can drown your sorrows in drinks, you can exercise and release the frustration, get a massage to ease the tension, do anything to distract yourself and free yourself from it all. but nothing quite works as well as sleep, when your mind fabricates the dreams that come alive and whisk you away to a place where your every wish and desire can come true... or infact a place where even your wishes and desires dont matter, and everything is at ease. there are just some days that you just long to be at ease.



oh. my. god.
wah. rau.

i've dont think i've ever been so riveted to my tv screen before.
just watched nip / tuck that i taped... my heart is still pounding, can still feel the adrenalin streaming around my body.. sweat drops are dripping of my face... maybe cos it is abit hot now. but still. i'll never be the same again. i cant ever imagine going for any kind of surgery now... even piercing my ear seems freakish.
i know all this is extreme lah... exagerration can be my strong point sometimes. but i dont want to be so vain anymore. haha i admit i'm quite vain lah.. but i dont think i'm THAT vain. but shit lah -_-

im quite speechless now.

i dont know why but i just suddenly feel so lonely. my little blue star is the only thing i have to hug now. it knows all my secrets. no one else does. no one else cares.



its been a tiring weekend again... but at least it provides a respite from the grind of school and exams. ugh.
sometimes i really wonder what the point of school is... was talking to one of the dancers on saturday, and he's a scholar, so he told me that everything he does in class he did like the year before or 2 years before, so he knows everything already and is basically learning nothing. education in singapore. *sigh* i think it can be best summed up by PW, the most ridiculous thing in the school system. i think its even worse than the harry potter classes in american universities. haha. the whole thing is fabricated, bias, lame, 5% for LOCAL uni admission (that might not even be accurate), and yet we spend hours on it... copying stuff from websites and books, cut and paste into a power point slide, rattle of stuff we spent time remembering and making cards the day before, and answer questions such as "what difficulties did u have in doing this project" with the standard answer of "oh the information was hard to get etc.etc" okae thats an exaggeration some of the questions were really quite cheem, but i think everyone will agree that pw is the stupidest thing that we could be learning in JC, supposedly the last stop before university. its farcical. (i like that word!)
i really think sunday is sianday. cant like "party" hard because monday is school, and it just puts more pressure on friday and saturday to kick back and relax before it all starts again. school can really suck sometimes.
at least every PE lesson is now fun and games haha. and june holidays are nearly here! that means more sleep yay!! =)




and then just like that. with the snap of the fingers and a blink of the eyes. its back to school.

haha it was a pretty good 2 days of break and town-ing though... window shopping is pretty rewarding heh, but damn tiring! saw many ppl in town today.. interestingly many were j1s heh. anyway... time to slack!

happy happy =)



wanted to blog for so long... terms been in the way bleh. and just like that... i realise i've forgotten everything i've wanted to say! bleh.

anyway haha terms is really shit lah. its impossible to concentrate when the theme song for naruto is just playing over and over in my head "we are fighting dreamers..." haha yeah thats jap english for you =p
sigh at least its all over... i know i'll do badly lah but at least i have the knowledge that i didnt study much at all. but thats atually a worrying thing for me... if at this stage im unable to sit down and focus and mug, whats going to happen at a'levels? maybe i'll be lucky and i'll fail prelims horribly and that will inspire me to work hard at the a's... just like in sec 4. or maybe not. sigh. discipline is a crazy concept that i just cant seem to grasp.

meanwhile at least its all over. so happy its over. can at least get a break... its like the whole run in to terms has been holiday-less school.. doesnt help that i cant pon sch anymore =p everyday gets worse, its like my lessons are useless, nothing goes in and everything just pours out. i dont see the point in going to sch to hear my notes be orated, i think its one thing to teach, and another thing to point to powerpoint slides that show exactly the same thing that we have in our hands, and read out the same things our eyes can see on our notes, and explain the concepts in the exact same way they are explained in the notes, or even worse through lousy analogies that just confuse us and distract us from the lesson at hand. i need more interesting lessons. at least s-papers are interesting... but it doesnt help that they also are based in notes, at least geog is... and the long days in school are just killing me. a day doesnt pass that i consider dropping my s papers... at least school days, come the weekend i forget everything that happens in sch. weekends are the only ME time i have away from school and away from studying. another reason i cant study on fridays and saturdays, school is too sapping and killing. i dont want my own children to go through this education system, i hope i can find something better for them by then.

yup... my hands are tired from writing all that crap during terms, think i'll just end off here... cant wait to get out and hit town for once in who knows how long. i miss it all. living the life. hah i wish.



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wow new blogger... haha kinda funky. last day of terms tmrw!!! *argh* must... study... haha =p sian.



Have you ever wondered about where your'e going in life? What everything is for and to what ends it all means? if you havent then your'e lying. and i cant lie to myself anymore. i dont know what im doing, where everything is pointing me and leading me towards. it'd be great to have some direction in life, to know at least what the next day will bring. but nothing ever is certain is it? it the only certainty is overwhelming uncertainty.

Sometimes i wonder about myself, and patience. Patience seems to be the underlying principle and virtue for almost anything, i realise. Patience comes into play when controlling your temper. It factors when it comes to discipline and working hard towards it goal. Matters when your'e waiting for someone, waiting for a reply; waiting in general. You need it in life, undoubtably, and its also the hardest thing to get. I realise that... you need patience to be patient. Its not a "snap of the fingers" kind of thing and then your'e patient... it takes time to be patient... and im learning it the hard way. I also realise that for me patience seems to come in hand with slacking... when slacking everything moves so slowly and your'e just lazy and tired and lethargic and you can happily wait for things to come... but ironically its in these times that you need just anything to happen, something to snap you out of the stupor and whatever.

Meanwhile back to the uncertainty... its like while studying econs (i read 10 pages of sloman today hah.) i realised that i dont know why im studying all of this floor. nothing we seem to study in school seems to apply to life at all... i find myself wishing i could be doing something much more job-related, like having internships or job attachments.. something more real and tangible. ok so maybe it is interesting to read about econs and literature and geography and discuss it, but when it comes to actually forcing myself to sit down and study it all suddenly becomes such a drag, because i study not for learning but for test scores. my motives are screwed up, but thats what studying is isnt it? studying and learning i find are two completed different things, and yet they are somehow strung together in our education system of high scores and good grades. its always struck me as interesting that we supposedly do so well at all the australian maths competitions and sats and all... but its the way we learn isnt it. study study study. rigour of the academic and nothing else matters. "we offer a holistic education.." thats anchored in hard studying. i hate school sometimes, i dont see why we spend so many hours in school doing nothing at all. lectures are the worse, i find them an absolute complete utter waste of time. prepare us for university? then make us copy the damn notes. at least then i'll learn something and pay attention. with the notes infront of me, whats the point of paying attention? its not like the lecturers are TEACHING anything, they just recite the notes, point to powerpoint slides, and make anecdotal comments to explain certain concepts that are pretty much self-explanatory once the notes are read. its like how i hate hate hate it when people ask questions that are explained in the notes. its not about if you dont understand, thats ok. its when you just didnt read the notes and then ask a question which can be explained in the next line which u just didnt bother to read. like argh! read the damn notes before you ask your question. zzzzzzz. i wonder if i'm guilty of that... maybe sometimes... but it still irritates me.

Something interesting... or well to me at least. it struck me that i only use analogies when my writing is depressed, like all my erh, ferris wheel and whatever analogies (cant really remember any of them now). so i thought since i'm in a rather... well i wont say overjoyed, but rather happy with life now =) could be better, but still chugging along, bright moments are keeping me afloat =) i guess when you have something to look forward to, and your'e patient, everything seems much happier in contrast to just being downcast and sianned out. with hope and dreams, everything looks so much clearer. so i thought i'll come up with an analogy now. its like sleep... when you have good dreams, everything is good. when u have nightmares it all sucks. okae wth? haha just spouted some nonsense... think i need to get some sleep before i become a zombie in school again tmrw, at least i had a short nap in the afternoon to tide me over.

life is good... and i'm sure it'll get better =) because my faith is restored! faith in many many ways, faith in myself, faith in my friends, faith in life, faith in love, faith in dreams, faith in hope, faith in God, faith... in every sense of the word. with faith like a child... with faith like a child =)



hmm wanted to blog about this yesterday but i think i forgot, or it didnt fit, or i just didnt. anyhow while watching the o.c. yesterday (i dl it because its too good) i realised that... things change. real fast. enemies can be your closest friends, because you just seem to know so much about each other, and when you start to see the other side things just change so drastically. your closest friends can just vanish, because you realise that trust doesnt exist and they've been hiding things from you, honesty is a lost concept, forgotten and cast away in favour of "protecting" one from being hurt. nothing can hurt more than the truth, but the truth is all we need to survive. pain is temporary with honesty, it lasts forever with deception.

and i kinda find myself losing track of the whole point of this post now.. i just wanna say that things change. but that doesnt mean that things are different, or worse, or whatever. thats all there is to it. things just change.



i cannot help it. i couldn't stop it if i tried. the same old heartbeat fills the emptiness i have inside. and i've heard that you can't fight love, so i wont complain. cause why would i stop the fire that keeps me going on?

do you ever feel like you just cant explain nor comprehend your feelings? its like you can blog all you want and express everything in words, but it just cant account for the full range of emotions that you feel, or even come close to shedding light on the true... on the true spirit of that moment, whatever it may be. words can only go so far with their limited meaning, regardless of how many synonyms there might be for any emotive word. each synonym doesnt even mean exactly the same thing, they each measure a certain extent and have their own variations in meaning, like how happy and glad might seem the same but are yet totally different. well to me at least, glad seems to have a more subdued feel to it, and happy itself seems temporary. *shrug*

i gues its not just about how blogging isnt exactly the perfect form of catharsis or whatever it may be. its just that sometimes its as if no one can ever underestand what exactly your'e talking about or what you mean, even i myself might not be able to relate to the words that are being churned out. supposedly everyone has his/her own writing style, their own identity and fashion... but its incredibly easy to imitate another style or fashion, its incredibly frequent that we write according to our moods and feelings, and that just alters the writing into another style, gives the blog another form and shape. even the language use can be so different. just what does writing accomplish?

sometimes i just dont know why i blog. i might think of stuff i'd like to say, or feelings i'd like to express, or just blog for the heck of it, to entertain myself, to amuse others, just to pass the time, to fill a void. anything. but its never the same. its one thing to share experiences with a blog... its a completely different thing to share everything with someone else. and i find myself questioning how all this affects me and where i stand. like how i find it increasingly easy to pour out everything here and not to the people who are supposed to be my friends, how i find it so comforting to pull back and withdraw into my own shell, saving my thoughts and feelings, cramping them up until perhaps i can release them into the blog, which is in itself like another shell of myself, just a transfer of "feelings" into "words". it just doesnt work sometimes.

i find myself questioning whether i'm ready for a relationship, even just plain simple relationships. its so easy to smile and be friends, but thats not a relationship, its so much more than that. in school sometimes i feel so alone, as if im just going through the motions of class and lecture and everything, i dont feel involved, i dont have my clique, i dont have anything. i dont even know what kind of family mine is... even my house is split into domains, like my brother is in his room, im in mine, my mom in the living room/kitchen with my dad when he's home. is it a question of commitment? i've always thought that i'm ready for that next step, ready to move forward and experience something that i've always looked forward to. but i find myself afraid, scared. i know that i'm oversensitive and i get dejected real easily, im also horrible at reading hints because i see everything as a hint, i take things extremely personally and i read too much into tone and expression and body language and just about everything. everything might point to love being the solution to all of our problems.. but it doesnt change the fact that im scared. its so easy to say that hey its like taking the first leap, after that everythings okae. but for me, every leap is the first leap. its like calling someone for the first time, hearing her sweet voice for that first moment.. then you slip into this comfort zone, and everything seems good. but before you know it the call is over, its ended. and then its like the first call all over again. i remain scared.

why are we afraid to be in love. to be loved.



tired has a whole new meaning. this week has been one crazy week. im so glad its drawing to a close... even though i dont really have much to look forward too in the weekend... or the follow week, or the next weekend... or the next week... sigh.
well i guess today kinda sums up the whole week. tiring but invigorating, exhausting but promising, lethargic but energetic. everything mixed together, like some crap rojak of emotions feelings and thoughts. haiz and sigh all over again.

woke up feeling rather fresh for once, even though i had at most 20 minutes more sleep than usually. and i'm pretty sure i left my house earlier than usual, got to the damn busstop at 703... whee missed the bus again, this time the 710 bus didnt come, so i called a cab. stupid me. the cab got lost, and by the time it came it was already 723, i should have just cancelled it and waited for the bus. i didnt, paid 7 bucks to be late and have dc. im so smart.

nvm, geog test meanwhile was a farce. physical wasnt v good, and i didnt study textile industries (who would have guessed, considering that a majority of our notes and class discussion and lectures have focused on the automobile and the iron and steel industry) and so even though i crapped some shit i bet i'll fail it. yipee for me. econs dead geog dead. napfa looming on the horizon... was super worried about it. paranoid me being me. thank God i passed! short lived glory though, cos change and straight off to dc, sweating like a mad pig. was really out of it in dc, just staring at my e4 assignment (due on monday along with gp essay yay). at least i managed to highlight some stuff and formulate some thoughts. busy busy busy.

straight off to dance after tt, legs aching and back hurting. dance was worse. couldnt do the lifts and felt rather out of it... lines were disgusting and im pretty sure i look like an ugly duckling prancing around with 2 left feet and 3 opposable thumbs. dance just isnt the same without eugene around. bleh =p and wayne wasnt around either, neither were the twins... i know i dance cos i love dance, but on days like these i definitely miss the people.

wow just had a extreme bitter feeling run through me. okae its gone. i think my lack of sleep is seriously getting to me. and to top it off labour day just had to fall on a saturday, my last chance for an extended break from school before the june holidays (which just means school anyway, just the illusion of letting us rest). term exams in 2 weeks... zippedidodah. or whatever. sometimes when life sucks you just gotta keep slogging. its not easy to slog.

how do you know when you truly are yourself, and when your'e just reacting to the circumstances and the trends, just putting up a fake front unconciously, when you are real and when you are false. how.

I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think there must be something wrong. with me. out of all the hours thinking, somehow i've lost my mind. but i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell i know, right now you cant tell. well stay awhile and maybe then you'll see, a different side of me. im not crazy im just a little imparied. i know right now you dont care, but soon enough your'e gonna think of me. and how i use to be.

josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

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